Adoption is Expensive, It’s Time We Normalize Baby Showers for Adoptive Parents

For most families looking to adopt, the price tag is often a heavy consideration—for some, it's a deterrent. According to the Child Welfare Information Gateway, adoptions through private agencies can cost up to $45,000, with some charging additional home study fees up to $4,000. If a family is considering international adoption, the price may shoot up to $50,000.

While independent adoptions can help bring the price down to some extent, to an average range of $15,000 to $40,000, they are still not an inexpensive deal. Prospective parents often have to burn through their savings or set up fundraising pages to be able to expand their families. And after all that, there is the additional cost of essentials that are needed for the child joining the family. So why haven't we normalized the adoption baby shower yet?

For adoptive parents, baby showers can be a great way to bring down some of the additional expenses in the first few months of a child joining the family. While baby showers are largely the norm for biological families (at least in the United States), they're often bypassed in cases of adoption—perhaps simply from a lack of understanding as to how to go about planning one.

Kira, a birth mother from Utah who was involved in throwing a baby shower for the adoptive family she was placing her child with, is a fan of the concept. "I definitely think a baby shower can help an adoptive couple with the financial burdens that come with having a child," she tells Parents. "You have the normal things, such as the hospital bill and baby purchases, but then you also have the lawyer fees, the home study fee, living expenses for the birth mom if needed. All these things add up, and an adoptive family can pay upwards of $15,000 for a baby—and it's just not fair. Having a baby shower can at least help to lighten a little bit of that financial burden for them."

Asking the adoptive parents in your life what approach to shower-planning (pre-baby? post-arrival? mid-home-study?) would be the most helpful is without a doubt the best thing you can do. Educating yourself on the adoption process in general is also key.

When throwing a baby shower for adoptive parents who are bringing home an older child, confirming the age of the child is crucial. The exact types of gifts—sizes of clothes, diapers for babies, or school supplies for older kids—that will be helpful to the family depend on the age of the child.

"We had a shower thrown for us by our church," Susan, a mother from Texas who adopted a 13-year-old girl through international adoption, tells Parents. "Several of our very close friends asked if they could throw us a shower, and we said yes. It was a gift card shower. We received gift cards for several different places—Walmart, Target, and Old Navy. This was helpful because buying clothes for someone whom you have never physically seen proves to be difficult."

When they brought their daughter home from Colombia, she was able to go on many a shopping spree and pick out clothes that fit well and which she actually liked, adds Susan. "The gift of money may not feel personalized, but it really was the most helpful thing. This way, she had what she really needed. And as an older adoptee, that is important." For children who have been in foster care, being able to pick their own clothes, instead of being handed random things, can be crucial in creating comfort. 

Another way to ensure that the baby shower gifts are actually useful to the new parents and their child? Encourage them to set up an adoption registry to help guide your and other loved ones' choices.

"We adopted a 2.5-year-old," Taylor, a first-time mother from Michigan, tells Parents. "Considering he had already begun potty-training, we didn't need as many diapers and such, which can be a major expense. Instead, on our registry, we decided to put children's books, a few toys, blankets, and clothes. We even had an option for putting money into our fund for a toddler bed." By sticking to an adoption registry, you can not only ensure that the family has what they need; you also avoid useless items that would add clutter as they bring a new child to their home.

Adoption showers should probably be thrown after placement is confirmed and signed. "Wait until the baby is adopted to have the baby shower," Steffany Aye, founder and executive director of Adoption and Beyond, tells Parents. "A mom can change her mind about placing her baby for adoption until she signs the papers… It can be really disheartening to a family to see all the stuff that they got at a baby shower, but there is no baby."

Aye also adds that adoption showers are important since the shower is a rite of passage; having one for an adoption hammers home that no matter how a child comes to a family, they are family—and are celebrated as such.

At the end of the day, parents deserve (and need) baby showers, whether they carried the child or not. If we are willing to provide emotional and financial support to biological parents, after all, then we should extend the same courtesy to adoptive parents. They need our love, care, assistance, and aid. What's more, as long as the disproportionately high costs of adoption persist, these parents deserve all the help they can get, be it from through a GoFundMe or an adoption shower.